from robot to human- a continuation...

part I:

"But the story of God is not a saga of human potential; it is the revelation of the kindness and passion of the Father who seeks and redeems sinners." (p.149-150)

this doesn't sound like something a robot-god would be a part of. this whole "revelation of the kindness and passion of [a] Father" sounds more like something that i, a human being, want to be a part of.

part II:

"True confidence is courage that has been humbled. A limping leader understands this: 'I don't know if I am right, nor am I sure the path chosen is the best, but after reflection, feedback, debate, and prayer, I am choosing this path. In the process, I will seek life like water and drink death like wine.' " (p.74)

this part of the book hit a different part of me. this part specifically reminded me of the difficult situation Sam and i went through while discussing marriage with my mom. when Sam and i met with Bob for advice and counsel, the most impressing thing Bob said to us was a variation on the quote above. Sam and i needed to choose a path and resolutely move forward. part II of this post didn't remind me of leadership, but rather, this quote opened a beautiful conversation between myself and the Lord where i sat in gratitude for allowing the Lord to teach me about true confidence and what it means to be humbled through decision making.

part III:

happy anniversary, clay! awwwwwyeah....!

Chaos & Uncertainty.

"When we hate ambiguity, we often choose a solution that may seem right, but it may simply perpetuate the status quo. Also, if we demand that any new way of thinking reduces the 'work' of leading (simplifying), we will fail to enter the chaos and try to see through a new lens. When we pray simply for resolution, we cheat ourselves out of the opportunity to grow. Finding the grid that we need - if we hope to make the best decisions and move our organizations into the future - will necessarily invite us to enter the chaos and live with the uncertainty" (84).

Ugh. This echoes what I learned from In the Name of Jesus. Often in my DTs, I will look for a solution rather than dare to go deeper. Or if I do go deeper, I leave feeling discouraged because I feel so unstable and maybe even more confused than I started.

I'll be honest, I cried most of the way through chapters 3 and 4. I feel like Leading With A Limp is discipling me right now and I'm okay with it. Allender gets to the root of our temptations in leadership - cowardice, rigidity, narcissism, hiding and fatalism - as we respond to crises. I have or still am dealing with all of these to some degree, but I realize that a lot of it is/was because I believed that crisis and complexity were to be avoided, that that nagging I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing-am-I-missing-something?! feeling of uncertainty actually isn't bad, because our certainty and stability is in Christ and not our ability to answer hard questions and provide quick-fix resolutions. I listened to one sermon where Kris Vallotton illustrated a situation where a worship leader needed to be fired because of some issues, but the head of the worship team didn't have anyone to replace him so he was debating whether he should do it or not. He came to Kris, who made this brilliant point: that if the head of the worship team didn't have a vision for this man's life, he would only perpetuate the same issues.

I guess what I'm saying is, I want to start having a vision for my life and the people around me, instead of just being there to offer solutions. I realize that this solution-mentality (which admittedly has its place and isn't entirely wrong) is what got me in trouble in the first place - a subtle miss of the mark. May we not pursue comfortable answers, but His face and His truth only.

(Also - did anyone else feel ridiculous when he reveals the basis of Chapter 3? And did anyone else receive completely new perspective on the verses in Ecclesiastes at the beginning of Chapter 7? Blew my mind.)

-Autumn

Escaping Solitary Confinement

"...within twenty minutes his friend shared that his marriage was in trouble. A leader almost always is expected to be on duty." (pg. 113)

I know this is a short quote, but it really resonated with me. I was told by my father a couple of years ago, if you want to make a friend, just don't talk about yourself. While he is much better at this than I am, I am trying, and for the most part the mantra has been a practice in leadership. This pastor he is referencing has to listen to another guy's problems after some half-hearted attempts to get advice for his own. It's daunting to think that picking up the mantle of leadership means I always have to be "on duty." Daunting, but not impossible. My problems have to be on the back burner when it comes to the guys I disciple and any small group I lead. I guess what makes this not overwhelming is the sense that this is the way of things, that someone has to do it, and why not me?

“Through contemplative prayer we can keep ourselves from being pulled from one urgent issue to another and from becoming strangers to our own heart and God’s own heart.” (p.42)

I really feel like I should write “‘nuff said” after this and be done with it. But I won’t.

This was entirely convicting for me, because deep, contemplative prayer does not naturally feel like it should be placed in front of “urgent issues”. If I have a project to finish by tomorrow, a lesson plan to organize, and a panicked call from a disciplee, I’m not going to want to sit in my closet for an hour and contemplate Jesus, even if that’s exactly what I should be doing. But as Nouwen says, the costs of not consistently establishing our foundation on God’s perfect love and “the knowledge that we are already free, that we have found a place to dwell, that we already belong to God” are far too great, in that we can lose sight of the truths that we so desperately need as well as the fact that we need them (especially in order to approach said urgent issues, be they day to day challenges or theological disputes, with the right mindset). Personally, I’m going to make an effort not to let myself get lost in the busyness of this year and really take the time to soak in God’s goodness.

Spirit vs. Flesh.

“The task of future Christian leaders is not to make a little contribution to the solution of the pains and tribulations of their time, but to identify and announce the ways in which Jesus is leading God’s people out of slavery, through the desert to a new land of freedom. Christian leaders have the arduous task of responding to personal struggles, family conflicts, national calamities, and international tensions with an articulate faith in God’s real presence. … The Christian leaders of the future have to be theologians, persons who know the heart of God and are trained—through prayer, study, and careful analysis—to manifest the divine event of God’s saving work in the midst of the many seemingly random events of their time” (Nouwen 87-88, emphasis mine).

This is probably one of my favorite quotes from the whole book. It reminds me of Hebrews 4:12: "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." I feel like a lot of In the Name of Jesus is about living in the flesh vs. living in the Spirit - living from solutions vs. living from relationship. Apparently, Christians having opinions hasn't really done much for the world, and that's because the world needs Jesus more than our ideas. I think we are back in the garden where we started - the place where we had everything and yet thought we were lacking something.

Through reading the book and processing what I read, I've seen how solution-oriented I can be. DT comes in, has an issue. Well let's solve it! Let's figure it out. Jesus help us figure it out. And that's not entirely wrong, but it's missing the mark. Instead of problems being obstacles getting in the way of us and Jesus, they are actually the kairos that Nouwen is talking about. Our divine moment to ask, Who is He? What is He saying? In every circumstance, it's like Nouwen said - opportunities to "manifest the divine event of God's saving work," rather than give a quick-fix answer to a problem.

Meh.

I think it'd be fun to be a robot for a day.

...beep boop beep...

I think it'd be fun to be a robot because I'd be so efficient. I really like efficiency.

But the kingdom is not efficient. The love of God isn't efficient- it's extravagant.

Jesus presents the kingdom as one that is established, not through power, but through patient and abounding love.

"He did not come to prove Himself. He did not come to walk on hot coals, swallow fire, or put His hand in the lion's mouth to demonstrate that He had something worthwhile to say." (p.55)

If the worthiness of Christ as my Savior is not the demonstration of His power, but the demonstration of His character, then I desire that as well. I desire that my worthiness to be His daughter would not be the demonstration of how quickly I grow or learn new concepts, but by the demonstration of how deeply rooted I am in the simple truth that He loves me as a human, not a robot.

"Dealing with burning issues without being rooted in a deep personal relationship with God easily leads to divisiveness because, before we know it, our sense of self is caught up in our opinion about a given subject. But when we are securely rooted in personal intimacy with the source of life, it will be possible to remain flexible without being relativistic, convinced without being rigid, willing to confront without being offensive, gentle and forgiving without being soft, and true witnesses without being manipulative." (45, 47)

I think Nouwen does an excellent job highlighting some of the benefits of having consistent time alone with the Lord in which we glean from His Spirit. Humbling ourself before the Lord regularly naturally creates in us a posture that wards off selfishness when interacting with other brothers and sisters in Christ. I have certainly been in the room when two Christ followers get incredibly heated discussing, debating, and even arguing about anything from Universalism to whether Lebron James will ever be better Jordan.

Without that time spent in the Lord's presence "zeroing" ourselves, we will always innately skew back towards selfishness and it will manifest itself in our interactions with others. But not in the pleasant relationships; anyone can be nice to someone who is being nice to them or who completely agrees with you on everything. It's in the relationships with those who disagree with us, offend us, harbor resentment against us, or who don't know us at all. My desire and my prayer is to be exactly the person Nouwen describes here; I want to be authentic. What kind of place could Wesley be if everyone embraced this idea; if everyone knew how to handle differences of opinion, how to stand firm without seeming headstrong, honest with one another without being judgmental, understanding without sweeping ugly short-comings under the rug, and sincere so as to keep ourselves from contriving. My prayer is that this sort of genuineness permeates through me and that the manifestations of this genuineness becomes second nature.

PS.

"Living in a community with very wounded people, I came to see that I had lived most of my life as a tightrope artist trying to walk on a high, thin cable from one tower to the other, always waiting for the applause when I had not fallen off and broken my leg." (53)

This has nothing to do with what's above, but I thought that this word picture Nouwen utilizes here brilliantly captures the sentiment that I believe most people "running the rat race" feel. They desire so badly to matter, to be noticed and since this world places so much emphasis on achievement, status, and accomplishments they really do live their life trying reach some lofty, difficult position without messing up. The thought that they are waiting for recognition for not having "fallen" really saddens me. Their validation is entirely contingent on what they achieve and there is no guarantee that they will even receive that validation when they achieve their goals. Praise God who formed and fashioned us before the foundations of this world and who desires to be with us and love us in spite of our achievements or lack there of.